Author Topic: Am I being unreasonable?  (Read 490 times)

Online Kim

Am I being unreasonable?
« on: July 03, 2017, 05:09:09 PM »
I feel like my family have really done me over. I was supposed to be going on holiday with my Mother and my sister. I have a condition called social phobia (meaning I don't feel comfortable with strangers) Even knowing this, they both went behind my back and invited a friend of theirs, who I have never met, to come with us. They never bothered to tell me direct and I found out quite by accident 2 weeks after. I have now said I am not going and because of this neither of them are speaking to me. The thought of sharing a caravan for a week with a total stranger fills me with dread. But now I am the bad guy  :pullinghair:
  

Online Betsy4Arts

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2017, 06:13:00 PM »
minibud No, Kim, you are absolutely not the bad guy. They are both aware of your phobia & to invite a stranger is inexcusable. If they were thinking of doing so, of course they should have discussed it with you first. I'm so very sorry that you must go through this. Both dealing with the insensitivity of family [who should always put their family members first] and the loss of your much needed vacation.  fairypoop on them!


  

Online Kim

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2017, 06:36:48 PM »
Thank you Betsy, my husband and both of my kids are totally disgusted with them. My daughter sent my mother (her grandmother) a message telling her exactly what she thought of her and now she's being blanked too  :facepalmxd:
  

Offline mustluvcatz

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2017, 06:41:36 PM »
Since they know about your phobia, they were wrong.

I'm wondering though: is it too late to save this? If you were to meet the person ahead of time would it help you in any way? Maybe meet with your relatives and that person and have lunch or something?
  

Online Kim

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2017, 06:52:53 PM »
MLC it's not the first time they've done this kind of thing, especially my mother. She's never put me first. I had my doubts about letting her back in my life after the last time she hurt me. I should have listened to those doubts when I forgave her again for the umpteenth time. Sick of trying to please her and getting nowhere :(
  

Offline mustluvcatz

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2017, 12:50:58 AM »
Aww, sorry Kim. That sucks. All I'd have to say to them is  fairypoop
For what it's worth, I had to distance myself from most of my in-laws years ago. I just couldn't take their lack of caring about my family (which includes their nephews!!) anymore. I have to admit that I haven't really missed any of them in all these years - there is ONE brother-in-law that I always got along with real well. The only reason he got "excluded" is that he didn't live in the area at the time. By the time he moved back it had been too long so I just let it go.
 
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Offline tinhouse

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2017, 07:18:53 AM »
Kim, I don't have social phobia and I would be annoyed if I had made holiday plans with family (or anyone for that matter) and another person was invited without discussing it with me first.  Its just common courtesy, so the fact that they knew you have social phobia and still went ahead and invited a stranger to live in close quarters with you must be hurtful.

What I've come to realise is that quite often social/anxiety disorders are not taken seriously by those who do not suffer from them.  A lot of people have a 'just get over it' reaction and are unable or unwilling to be supportive.  I'm not saying your family are like that, but it is, sadly, a common reaction.  Perhaps they felt that if you didn't know and just found out on the day you would be able to deal with it?  At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for your well-being and what you feel comfortable and able to cope with, how anyone reacts to that is their choice and not your responsibility.

Having said that, I do hope you will be able to work something out, we all need a break away now and again. xxxx
 
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Offline Ivyrose

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2017, 10:24:23 AM »
I must admit to agreeing with Sharon's thoughts on this. This situation arose because your family either have no full understanding of the difficulties a person with Social Anxiety has or simply choose to ignore it. Is your mother aware that you have a recognised difficulty perhaps she needs educating in what Social Anxiety (SA) is. It does seem very selfish to put her own needs above those of her daughter either through ignorance or design it's not what you expect from you family. Have your tried speaking to them again? I understand that maybe they cannot uninvite their friend. I also realise that this would not be a holiday for you if you would be stressed and anxious the whole time spending it with someone you don't know. Have you been in contact with http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/ They may be able to offer support, advice and strategies that help you and your family.

 
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Offline Jaguwar

Re: Am I being unreasonable?
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2017, 07:12:07 PM »
Family can be the worst. They know just how to hurt you, and they take you for granted on top of it. That's the part that hurts: they take you for granted. Mothers are particularly notorious for this.

What I worry about, if you chose to try the extended education route, is that she will ignore you because "you're not an expert". I bet your mom always called you "shy" to other people, not actually recognizing this as something else. In short, it feels like she just doesn't believe you and that REALLY hurts.

I suspect Tinhouse is correct, mom thought if she just sprung it on you you'd be fine or, at the very least, she probably thought you "wouldn't want to embarrass" her by creating an issue if it were sprung on you at the last moment.

It's a tough battle. If you can turn your sister into an ally by educating HER< you might have better results. Good luck, and hey! I hope you can get a holiday of your own.



 :hug: